Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
