as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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