drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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