I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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