i already hear my dad disowning me
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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