So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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