Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
