There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
