The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
We got so high we made milksteak
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
