God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
