I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
