I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
