so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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