You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
