history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
