he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
