It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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