I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
