How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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