How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
