If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
