someone threw a dead crab at me
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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