Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
my being single is dangerous.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
