how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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