I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
