Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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