Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
