hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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