ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
