I faked an abortion last night.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
