Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
