I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Randomize
