i need an iv and a liver transplant
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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