If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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