guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
