I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
