If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
