i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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