I cannot find my penis.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
