im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
