Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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