he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
