seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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