Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
