I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
