Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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