You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
