If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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