I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
