How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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