ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
