dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
