Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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