After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
she peed on how many people?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
