We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
