He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
