I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
