life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize