there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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