If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
