im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
im six kinds of drunk right now
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
