I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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